Hello, everyone, and welcome to the show. Well, it's Friday night. Do you know where your government is? OK, let's get to the news...
A woman in Rock Hill, S.C. took her car to a mechanic, when it would suddenly just stop running. The mechanic found a cheeseburger, and a pickle, in the car's gas tank. Congressional Democrats, immediately began crafting a law, banning cheeseburgers from automobile gas tanks, stating that they feared they might lead to obesity among sub-compact cars. See, the Dems, have all these laws, about food, and weight, and so the joke is....aw screw it.
A new study has shown that Russians tend to be more negative, but less depressed than Americans. I guess, that if you realize that, everything's screwed up, from the outset, there's less chance of being disappointed.
A private group of sponsors are going to fund the restoration of the Colosseum, in Rome, Italy. So far, they've got a guy named Nero, 2 lions, and 3 Christians lined up. I guess they're going for realism.
Bad news on the Wikileaks in Afghanistan. They've called in the FBI, to investigate. Now, we'll never know, what the hell happened.
In the world's sickest sports news, a kickboxer was killed, with a left hook. I have no idea, how they score something like that. Can you believe this crap. You can't eat in a restaurant, and enjoy a smoke afterwards, because it might damage your health, but you can participate in a sanctioned sporting event, and get your head kicked in. Progress, our least important product.
Did you see where scientists say it's possible to achieve, an orgasm, just by thinking about it? Now, I have a severe headache, and a slight groin pull.
In the Adriatic Sea, a US WWII bomber has been found, The crew has been posthumously charged with being AWOL, in line with the Obama Administration's "don't return, don't tell" policy.
A major online search engine has been banned in mainland China. Now, you can't google in China, and you can't chop your papa up, in Massachussetts.
Officials in S.C., thought they had rounded up a 500 lb alligator, in a local lagoon, but it turned out just to be Rosie O'Donnell's sister.
And now, a musical number for Lizzy Borden, and Massachussetts mayhem......